on october 4, 1985 a baby was born. his birth certificate showed that at time of birth he was 6'5", 250 lbs. he was named joseph andrew arrrrr-ens, after the famous gay pirate.
as a child he wished to be called peter no matter what game we played. his favorite word was narnia. his favorite things to draw were dogs and cars farting. he wrote a story about me in 1st grade called "bug-eyed sister." he was raised by maids.
the following is a list of things I did to help make him what he is today, O.T. (old testament) as hell.
a) i taught him his first swear words.
b) i tried to get him to drink pee out of a dixie cup.
c) i threw a portable phone at him. correction, at his face.
d) i told him he would have to switch from briefs to boxers by 9th grade or everyone would think he was gay.
e) i insisted on him listening to me tell him the story of ehud repeatedly. (i was a somewhat gory kid)
f) i hired his favorite actor/director to strip for his birthday.
so raise your glass high this wednesday for a hulk of a man...happy 21st birthday you son of a gun.
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